2001, September 29, Saturday night

12:45 AM, SNL's season premiere, Miguel came in looking mad. He went to the kitchen. He asked, "Did you ate?" I said, "Pasta." Once again, he didn't believe me. He walked toward the bathroom. He asked, "Did you take a shower? Why haven't you fixed the leak?" I said, "I did. The knobs are so hard to turn." He didn't believe me. He complained, "Yeah. I always fix the leak." He semi fixed the leak. I kidded around, "Why haven't you fix the leak? It was still running." I went in the bathroom. He said, "Leave me alone." I went back to the computer. He stood behind me. i said, "What?" He complained, "You are looking for another man. That is what you do, " he got in the bed, "I really don't care. I don't care." I explained, "I work on the web site all day." I tried to show him. He wouldn't look at the screen. He continued watching SNL!

Subj: PRAYERS

Date: 9/27/2001 11:57:48 AM Central Daylight Time

From: Cruize 4 Luv

To: MCCLA

I don't know how to do this post or even to know how to start. I REALLY NEED PRAYERS!

Miguel might hit rock bottom soon, but I really doubt it; he is a bartender at parties all over town.

This past week has been one of the toughest yet with him. I take it back, one of the TOUGHEST MONTHS!



1) MISSING

Some nights, he doesn't come home. Last night, he didn't. The last time I saw him about 9AM yesterday. In 30 minutes, he would be missing for 24 hours AGAIN!

Today, I decided I wouldnt fill out a missing person report. It would be useless. He is making it a BAD HABIT!

He was missing Monday night/Tuesday night, he come home Wednesday morning for 15 minutes, and he hasn't show up at all since then.

Since I am ONLINE all the time, he COULD HAVE drive home and tell me! It is his RESPONSIABLE to tell me somehow and someway!

IT IS UP TO HIM to tell me, "he won't be home for the night" no matter what. He does have the car!



2) BANK ACCOUNT

I believed I did something very ILLEGAL. TRUST ME - I did not STEAL any money from him!

I went online posing I was him to TAKE A GOOD LOOK at his bank account online.

I am glad I did that. I found out some interesting stuff about his money!

He is spending way TOO MUCH MONEY this month alone. That told me he has a SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM! I already knew that for some time!

Tuesday, 9/25/01, he took out FOUR $42 and ONE $20 to party at the clubs/elsewhere. $188 is the amount he took out.

This month alone, he spent $558. I am keeping track of HIS money situation! I have a GOOD REASON!! Please see #3

I'm so happy about ONE THING! Thank God we don't have the same account! He would have spent my SSI money too!



3) HOME HELL HOME!

Since he is WASTING HIS MONEY on booze, drugs and sex, (sounds like a rock star. LOL) he may not be able to PAY THE RENT for next month!

You know what that mean, being homeless is among me once more!

I really don't care about being homeless. I have no regrets. It was meant to be. I gave ALL MY PROBLEMS to God. He would take care of me!

I have a very BAD FEELING about this. He would ask me for the RENT MONEY! Honey, guess what...see #4



4) BAIL HIM OUT OF JAMS

This month, I bailed him out TWO TIMES.

A) The car accident, two week ago, two days after the tragedies!

B) The paint job - he didn't have the money. (See #2) I paid $368. THANK GOD I got all my money back.

C) Hmmm, next month's rent! NOT!!!



I would not BAIL HIM OUT anymore!

The way I see it - If I CONTINUED bailing him out, I am LETTING him to drink and DESTROY more lives from his drinking. (See #4, A)



In closing, the ONLY THING I want from you, my friends, is prayers.

PLEASE NO HAND OUTS!! I only want prayers!

2001, September 27, Thursday

4:15 PM, I lay in bed, watching Pokemon. I heard a noise from the door. I knew it was him. I sat by the desk. I didnt want to face him. Miguel came home. He asked, "Hi, where is the beeper at?" I said, "The question is where have you been. Where have you been?" I gave him his beeper from his nightstand. Last night, it was acting up. I put it away; the noise would keep me awake. I went back to the computer, "Where have you been?" He said, "I was at my friends. I tried to call you. You were online." I said, "You have the car. You could have drive home to tell me. What stop you?" He said, "I need to use the phone." I signed off. He used the phone in the kitchen.

He gave me the beeper to fix it. The thing wouldnt stay on. It took me a while. I failed. Miguel wanted to try it. I didnt give it to him. He said, "I need to go to the car. I need to get my work schedule." I said, "You say that the last time." He closed the door. Yesterday, he was here about 10/15 minutes. He told me that he would go to the office. Guess what! He just came home from yesterdays morning. I cant trust him any more. He came up from the car. I finally fixed the beeper. He called work again. I gave him back his beeper. I received more junk mail! He called his sisters.

He sat on the bed, looking at the fishes. I took a good look. I noticed a lot in his APPEARANCES. His face looked terrible from the drugs. I havent seen his arms yet. They must be bruise or what from the needles. For the life of me, I cant even look at him. He DISGUSTS me very much! His face changed drastically since yesterday morning. They must been on heavy-duty drugs.

He was undressed. I annoyed him and kept on doing my thing. I changed the channel to Home Improvement, his favorite TV show! Hmm, that sounds logic to me. This place doesnt feel like home anymore. It really needs home improvement. It must be under my terms or else. I was facing the TV; Miguel went behind me and blew on my neck. I said, "Miguel!" I moved away from him. He went to the restroom. Forget it! I wont have sex with him. He already had sex with other men, unsafe I bet! I was thisclose to look at his wallet. I changed my mind at the last minute. He might walk out of the restroom! I could do it. I had a perfect excuse; I was feeding the fish! They were at the corner! I would do it when he takes a shower.

I went to the closet. I hid the poppers and the lube from him. I really dont want sex at all! I listened by the door; he was taking a shower. I made my move. I went to the kitchen with the wallet. I hit JACKPOT! I found a Royal Viking Motel receipt. Room 31 cost him $45. I knew he lied to me! He wasnt at a friends house! I think we go on a RIDE! He would be so freaking SHOCK! ROFL. I looked up the address on the web. I had more exciting dreadful news. The motel was on 3rd and S Alvarado St. I know the area quite well. Down the street, the druggies hang at the park. It is a popular hang out! I put the receipt in my wallet. I continued watching The Bundys on Fox and writing my journal.

I put on my shorts. I wont take them off for nothing, except to use the restroom. He got out of the shower. He put on black underwear. He checked his beeper. I signed off. He showed me the number, 900! We figured out it was a sex number like 976. I mentioned to him dont call the number. He put on some socks. He went to the restroom. It seems like he was going out again. I have one thing to say, GOOD RIDDANCE! I dont need him in my life anymore.

He was still in the restroom. I went down to the car for the license plate and the maker. I opened the door. He looked at his work papers at his desk. He asked, "Where was you?" I went to the desk. He went to the bed to put on his shoes. He asked again. I said, "Outside. It is too hot in here." He said, "You always close the windows. Turn on the fan." Hello, I cant. The fan died yesterday evening. He asked, "Did you cash the check?" I didnt want to answer. He asked again. I said, "Yes." He said, "When did you cash it?" I said, "Couple days ago." He said, "You took the bus?" He opened the blinds. I didnt say anything. He gave me a look. Ohhh, Im scared! NOT! He went by the front door. He said, "I would be right back. Im leaving." I asked, "Where are you going?" I walked toward him. He said, "Work." I said, "Let me see." He became pist, then attitude. He said, "Im working in Beverly Hills at 7:30PM." He grabbed his work clothes. I yelled, "Dont yell at me. I dont know where you work or what time you work!" He quietly said, "Im sorry." I asked, "What time would you be home?" He closed the door.

Miguel came home from work passed 1:10AM. Things were calm, but the fire was still burning from afar. I dont want to be anywhere near a volcano! I asked, "How was work?" He said, "Okay." He closed the door. I continued talking to my online friend. He ate some. He doesnt look that well. I saw a bandage on his chest; it must be from the drugs. He asked, "Did you want to the post office today?" I said, "No!" He said, "I saw the new magazine in the bathroom." I said, "I got it last week." I received two Soap Opera Digest magazines in the mail. He got the TV controls from my desk. I said, "Change it to three." I played the tape for him. Since he was at work, I tape Friends, Will & Grace and Just Shoot Me. I turned off the computer. I stood up and face him. He whispered, "Im sorry. Im sorry. I love you." I said, "Dont say that!" I walked away to the kitchen for more kool aid. He really doesnt mean it. To me, it was empty words from him. I joined him in bed. He asked, "Do you want to make love?" I said, "I am tired." He was falling asleep. I asked, "Do you want to watch friends?" He said, "No!" He gave me the TV controls and took off his glasses. I waited for a while till I finish the journal for tonight. I listened to Christian music on TV. I hardly do that, I like dance music! He was sound asleep fast; too much partying does that! I turned the computer on. I was done for the night. Its time for my beauty sleep. Maybe, tomorrow would be lightweight, meaning no entry for the journal like Monday, 9/24/01. Night, all!

2001, September 26, Wednesday

I saw my friend's IM on the screen. I talked to him. I asked, "Do you want to go with me? I need to fill out a missing person report." Talking to him was so useless! He brought up Marlene and Steve. My God, I have never met those people before. I changed my mind; I would do it alone. He didn't make it any easy for me. It seems I can't be friends with him. I need to explain things to him more than once. He asked, "Why do you need to fill one out? Did he steal something from you? It seems you don't have that feeling of patience and understanding. You take care my friend." I said, "I already tell you WHY I need to go to the police station. I don't have patience BECAUSE I need to EXPLAIN everything to you MORE THAN ONCE!"

He claimed, "You have a big problem itself. It seems you don't want people to ask. And you don't answer the question either. You seem trying to evade the question." I got upset with him. I remained calm with him on the web. I said, "I do not need friends like you in my life. I DO NOT EVADE the damn question. Read the beginning of this IM." He was knocked offline. I type a quick email and posted the IM in the mail to. I made it easier for him to read. I made it BOLD and TWO TIMES bigger for him to read.

Luv: I think the police to fill out a missing person report. He didn't come home in two nights. It does ring a bell!

Then I im, "Please check yr email. Just email me back and please do not IM me back either! He yelled at me, "THANKS ANYWAY. IF U DONT NEED FRIENDS LIKE ME. IT IS OKAY. I CANT FORCE MYSELF TO SOMEONE ANYWAY. WELL, TAKE CARE MY FRIEND. I THINK U HAVE A BIG PROBLEM YOURSELF. THANKS A LOT AGAIN."

Now, he has ATTITUDE with me. There was no reason to yell. I told him about the missing person report. Miguel has not come home in TWO NIGHTS. It has been 24 HOURS!!! He asked, "Why are you so worried? Why do you have to report him? I said, "I told u already! MIGUEL has not come home in TWO NIGHTS. It has been 24 HOURS!!! He said, "I understand, my friend. Why are you so worried?" I said, "Can't you read? He is missing over 24 HOURS!!!!

He yelled at me again, "I KNOW. I THINK U ARE REALLY VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIM, MY FRIEND. It seems you both have a big problem between yourselves. I suggest you both patch it up...it seems you cannot go on with your life without him." This is my personal opinion of him; he is the most stupid guy I ever met! I made myself clearly that Miguel was missing for two nights. Hello, I don't have THE PROBLEM; Miguel is an alcoholic. Therefore, he has the problem and not me. He wants us to PATCH it up. Is that the stupidest thing you ever hear before? I would not patch things up with him. Miguel wants to keep on drinking. I would not waste my time on his ass any longer.

I explained, "When someone have been missing OVER 24 HOURS, it is time to report it to the police. That is what PEOPLE do when someone is missing for a long time." He said, "I don't think so. It depends. 24 hours is not a long time. Not unless you are used to him coming home everyday." I challenged him to call the police. They would tell u 24 hours is the RIGHT AMOUNT of time. If I want to file a police report then that's your choice. He knows the last time that Miguel was MISSING for four days. Anything bad could happen in 24 hours, 4 days or whenever.

He asked, "What did I do when he was missing for 4 days?" I said, "That is besides the point. I am talking about NOW!!! Do you want to come? Yes or no? If not, I would leave now!" Now, some of you would think that was a good smart question on his part. To me, that was beside the point! If I tell the police about those four days, they wouldn't take me seriously. They would ask, "Why did I fill one out the first time around?" Hmm, let see, I have no car, I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know the phone number. And I was the one to call him stupid! LOL

I refused his "yes" answer to go with me. Never mind, it was out of the way for him. I can do it alone. He lives in Glendale and works in Pasadena! I was pretty far from him. I can take the bus to the police station in WEHO. He gets off after 5:30 PM! The more I wait, something bad could happen. Why take chances? I better take care of it right now. He mentioned that the phone number I gave him; he think was not my real number. Hello, it was the answering machine! He hopes we could spend the weekend. This time we can be together.

After we said our goodbyes, I checked Miguel's & mine accounts. I am so happy we have SEPARATED accounts! He couldn't spend my money at all unless I give him some! The $370 was in my account. YES!!!


I noticed something very interesting in his account.

09/25/2001 CHECK #156 $370.00- $458.61+

09/25/2001 CASH WITHDRAWAL $42.00- $416.61+

09/25/2001 CASH WITHDRAWAL $20.00- $396.61+

09/25/2001 CASH WITHDRAWAL $42.00- $354.61+

09/25/2001 CASH WITHDRAWAL $42.00- $312.61+

09/25/2001 CASH WITHDRAWAL $42.00- $270.61+

09/25/2001 NON-VERSATELLER ATM WITHDRAWAL FEE $2.00- $268.61+

09/25/2001 NON-VERSATELLER ATM WITHDRAWAL FEE $2.00- $266.61+

09/25/2001 MOBIL OIL $6.00- $260.61+

09/25/2001 NON-VERSATELLER ATM WITHDRAWAL FEE $2.00- $258.61+

09/25/2001 NON-VERSATELLER ATM WITHDRAWAL FEE $2.00- $256.61+



Is it me or has Miguel Garcia went BONKERS on 2001, September 25, Tuesday? That really proves he has a DRINKING problem. He took out FOUR $42 and ONE $20. The full total is $188 for one freaking day/night. He has a very serious deadly problem! He must be hanging out with the wrong friends!

All the times, we have been lovers; he was NEVER EVER like this before. Look at him now. He spent way too much money on alcohol! As of 9/26/01, he spent over $558, counting $360 between 9/10/01 to 9/21/00, on the clubs/elsewhere.
He is DESTROYING his life and my life. For what? Just to party and waste his money on booze, drugs and SEX! I haven't forgotten about Hollywood Spa! Trust me, I didn't. I still have the receipts in my wallet. I haven't called him on it yet. Soon, I would. The car's troubles changed my REVENGE plans on Monday. I came up with a new revenge, shows him the receipts at his sister's in front of everyone! Sure, he would be on the SPOT at his family's expense! Revenge would be so sweet; I could even taste it now!

8:55 AM, Miguel finally came home. I asked, "Where have you been?" Miguel said, "I need to use the phone." He took the phone to the kitchen. I signed off. He called his work. He hung up and walked to the restroom. I said, "I can't go on like this. Where have you been? Where have you been?" He said, "I'm sorry!" That line is his FAVORITE to say. He closed the door. I asked again, "Where have you been?" He opened the door and said, "I'm sorry. I was at my friend's. I tried to call you. You were online." I felt like he just put THE BLAME on me. That made me angry! I said, "You have the car. You could have DRIVE HOME to tell me. You didn't come home for two nights." It's his damn fault! He's partying with HIS FRIENDS and spending HIS MONEY!

Please remembered, guys! I started this journal when he was MISSING for 4 days last month. I didn't know what happened to him just like this time. PARTYING is more important than life itself! I won't put up with it any longer. I won't go down with this freaking alcoholic! THANK GOD that I went to the bank Monday afternoon. I knew he would party his money away. He is looking for ways to PARTY no matter what. Fight with me, PARTY! With his so-called friends, PARTY! Lie to me, PARTY! Go behind my back, PARTY! Missing for a couple of days, PARTY! Don't come home, PARTY! Blame me, PARTY!

We argued more. Miguel still thinks it's my fault! He tried to call work again. I said, "I was about to fill out a missing person report again! You could have stop by in the car." He said, "I tried to call you. I got to go. I might get fire. I would be right back. I must go to the office." I said, "You don't care about me. You're picking YOUR FRIENDS over me. You were gone for two nights." Miguel screamed, "No, no. I'm not! I do care for you." I said, "Forget about it. I don't want to talk about it." Miguel rushed out of the door.


1:30 PM, I received the RUDEST IM from a low life called, Ttl70, Tony!

Ttl70: you certainly don't have trouble telling other people about "Their Problems' now do you. You think that's a positive attitude? Great minds talk about events; small minds talk about other people. That is the stupidest web page I have ever come across.

I have never talk to Tony before in my life. He gave me ATTITUDE about my positive web site. If he doesn't like my web site, he doesn't have to read it! My point is everyone has their OWN WAYS to deal with their problems! I'm doing a JOURNAL for my sake. People could learn from my experience and get something out of it. I'm not telling other people about "Their Problems!"

When is it THEIR PROBLEM like dummy Tony claims? It's not ALSO their problem! I do live with the suffering and the pain every day. Tony has no right to get on my case! Stupid Tony even doesn't know me at all.

Tony JUDGES me for my personal web site. I never EVER judge him at all!

"Do not judge, or you too will be judge. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1, 2.

I have no ideal of why Tony ATTACKED me on the web. Tony, Please be part of the solution, not OUR PROBLEM!


Earlier today, someone praised me for doing a journal online! Hey, Tony, take that to the bank and cash it! Oops, I already cashed the check! LOL He mentioned that my journal is MY HEALING.


HEY, TONY.......read this very interesting IM from the guy who PRAISED me!

Cruize 4 Luv: I am doing my journal now! I want to keep track of all my journals!

Crg: that's cool

Cruize 4 Luv: I have not check the listings yet.....I don't want to forget a thing for the journal

Crg: I can understand

Cruize 4 Luv: even my roomie doesn't know about the journal....he doesn't go online.

Crg: how come?

Cruize 4 Luv: he is not interest of the web....he says he has no use for the web

Crg: wow, that is amazing, there is something for everybody on the web

Cruize 4 Luv: true. I always look up addresses for him! Other than that, he wants no part.

Crg: that is sort of strange; but each to their own I guess

Cruize 4 Luv: yeah. I am glad he doesn't go online! One look at the journal, he would be so pist and I don't care! Enough about him!!!

Crg: lol. Ok, enough of him

Cruize 4 Luv: one question thou.......if u knew your roomie would be online all the time and u want to stay with a friend for a few nights.

Do u think it would be smart to DRIVE HOME and tell his roomie since u can't get in contact with him????

Crg: Yeah, I would think that would be the good thing to do, Depends on the relationship I suppose

Cruize 4 Luv: he was gone for two nights.....he came home this morning....he claimed it was fault.....he tried to called me. I was online...

Since HE HAVE THE CAR, it is his Responsible to tell me no matter what!

Crg: I would think so, but it depends on the nature of the arrangement I suppose

Cruize 4 Luv: point taken! That is why I can't be his lover...he is destroying his life by drinking and/or drugs.

Crg: yeah, that is a not a good thing to in a partner

Cruize 4 Luv: u know I am talking about me.

Crg: what do you mean?

Cruize 4 Luv: u are right.....it depends on the nature of the arrangement

Crg: well it is hard to say without knowing

Cruize 4 Luv: yeah, all I know that he is an alcoholic and I see right through that......his world and mine is falling apart.

Crg: I am so sorry, that is horrible

Cruize 4 Luv: don't be.....no biggie thou!

Crg: well just unfortunate

Cruize 4 Luv: I have been keeping track of his bank account online. Today, I found he spent over $188 yesterday...he claimed he was with friends, but I know better.

Crg: wow, that is a lot to spend

Cruize 4 Luv: u know what I have to do......I must let his drinking takes it course......he must hit rock bottom. So, I won't fight him about his drinking.

Crg: yeah, sadly some people have to do that

Cruize 4 Luv: at the rate, he is going.....he may not have the rent money for next month!

Crg: that is not good at all. Ouch!

Cruize 4 Luv: sorry, I am telling u.......I didn't want to tell anyone......they can read it in the JOURNAL!

Crg: oh ok. I should take a read over when I am not at work

Cruize 4 Luv: I tell u this much.......

Cruize 4 Luv: he was in a car accident, driving drunk......few days later, he drives again! He doesn't care at all.

Crg: what is going to happen when he doesn't have the rent money?

Cruize 4 Luv: no ideal.......it is his problem, not mine.....I can't afford the rent!

Crg: well than it sort of becomes your problem too by default

Cruize 4 Luv: I won't BAIL HIM out again!!!! If I bail him out, I am letting him to drink!! Nope!

Crg: exactly. You should not help him out at all

Cruize 4 Luv: besides, the least is not in my name......the bills are.

Crg: that's good

Cruize 4 Luv: I don't care if I end up homeless, it was meant to be by God.....he would take care of me! And I need to take care of me first!

Crg: especially since he is not even trying to get better

Cruize 4 Luv: yeah. He must help himself first...we can't help him at all...his name is on the ROCK bottom!

Crg: exactly

Cruize 4 Luv: I won't stop him from drinking! Thanx for listening to me! I really appreciated it a lot

Crg: that's ok, no problem

Cruize 4 Luv: now u know why I said, "enough about him!" LOL I am over him and his drinking!

Crg: good for you!!

Cruize 4 Luv: writing the JOURNAL is make me a better person and stronger!

Crg: yeah, can be good therapy

Cruize 4 Luv: good therapy is good! I know I don't need to see one! hehe as long I don't let his drinking affect me, I would be okay!

Cruize 4 Luv: thanx for talking to me......I would let u to go back to work!

Crg: well good luck with that, just not a good arrangement for you

Cruize 4 Luv: thanx. Good-bye

Crg: later

2001 September 24, Monday

3:50 AM, I woke up. Miguel was still not home from work. This got to stop this week. I'm so sick and tired of the mental abuse from Miguel Garcia! It was breaking my heart. I don't deserve any of this. I can't go on like this. Somehow, I got to stop this whether at the bank or his sister's house in Whittier. If not, I might as well pack it in and leave him altogether. It isn't worth the troubles I face with him being a damn ALCOHOLIC. It's getting too much AND too expensive! It was taking a toll on my life and well being. I don't know how much longer I could put up with him.

I used the restroom and jumped back in the bed. I heard a car drove up. The time was 4:02 AM. I pretended I was sleeping under the covers! Miguel walked in, got undressed, ate something, kissed me, put the damn str8 video in the VCR, ate some more, turned on the TV and kissed me lots of times. I tried to pretend, but I was smiling. I acted that he woke me up. "I said, "Miguel, you scared me. You woke me up!" I knew he wanted sex again. Miguel went back to the kitchen. I took out the video. I asked, "What is this?" I didn't wait for his answer. I went back to bed. He said, "We need to go to my brother's. The car is not working right. Please set the alarm for 8 AM." All I said, "Good night, good night." He turned off the TV and fell asleep fast. God, I hope my revenge plans didn't change. I really didn't want to go to his brother's first. I was set on getting back my money first! Please God, let stay with my plans! I had a feeling that if we go to his brother's first in Whittier, I may never get my $368 back from him.

I waited for a while. I turned on the kitchen light. I checked his pants for his wallet, nothing. I went to the brown desk; it wasn't there either. I thought about going to the car. It must be there; maybe something else or someone else! I check the notebook pad for his work times. I couldn't find them. He always keeps track of the hours he works. Hmm, I should look again in the daytime. I wanted to hide his car keys from him. Nah, forget about it. Let him DRIVE to his death! I turned on the computer to write the journal.

4:49 AM, He woke up and rushed to the restroom. He left the door open a little. I kept on writing. He got in from my side. It looks like he wanted sex. BLAH! He lay on his stomach. I looked again, he bend over on my side. Suddenly, he rushed back to the restroom again at 5:05 AM. I may not get a chance to look in the car for some kind of evidence! LOL I hoped he goes back to sleep soon. I might as well too. I was getting sleepy again so early in the morning.

5:12 AM, Miguel turns off the kitchen light and went to bed. I still pondered to go down to the car. He said," It isn't working right." I could use that as an excuse to look at the car at this very moment. Hmmm, I better wait till he fully falls asleep! I heard he took some deep breaths. That means one thing, he is in lots of pain! Oh well, Life goes on. He's no longer my problem. Death must be upon him soon or a hospital visit again! I don't mind being both! I got nothing to do with his untimely death or the visit. HE BROUGHT IT UPON HIMSELF!! It sounds like I am cold hearted. Yeah, right! That's how I really feel. I was expressing my feelings. If someone else were in my shoes, they would be the same way! AMEN! I looked at Miguel in the dark. I believed he was sleeping. Should I go now or wait till the morning time. Oops, it was already morning! I think I wait till I wake up. Miguel was calling for me, "Baby!" His baby grown up and moved away! He was all alone now, but he still have his family in Whittier. Let them handle Miguel! I washed my hands from him!

I woke up at 5 till 8 AM. Miguel wanted to get a head start on the day to fix the car. I tried to wake him up. He didn't want to get up. I just lay there for an hour, thinking about the revenge. It really got me down. I dressed up. Miguel saw me walked out of the door. He asked, "Where are you going?" I didn't answered and close the door behind me. I went down to the car. I opened the trunk and found his wallet. As expected, Miguel took out about $40 at Ralphs and Axis, one $20 at separated times. I put the receipts in my top pocket. I decided to get the gate remote too! I went upstairs. Miguel was in the restroom. He asked, "Where do u went?" I lied, "The mailbox." I lay down on the bed. He got ready. He wanted me to go with him. I declined. He used his sad eyes. I got a bright ideal; I would go unless he gives me the money. I don't trust him anymore. I want my money back by today! He agreed. I pulled the car out of the spot. A frantic Miguel looked for the remote. I got it out of my pocket to open the gate. Miguel said, "Don't play games with me." I replied, "Why? You wanted to play. We would play your game!"

I took him to the office. He picked up his check. I asked, "Where to?" He said, "Larchmont." I headed down on 3rd. He mentioned we should have gone to the post office. We could do that tomorrow. He changed his mind, "Melrose." He told me a funny story about work; I didn't pay that much attention to him. There might be less people at the bank. He went ahead of me. I parked the car. I walked in. I was impressed; there were three people in line. Miguel was the first in line; I joined him. We went up to the counter. Miguel put the money in his account. It was my turn for my check. I forgot to put my ATM card in my wallet. We were about to leave. Miguel thought I still could do it. We went back. The worker explained I need the account number. I don't know by heart. We drove off. I remembered my wallet was in the backpack. Yeah, I had it all along! Oh well.

We went to his sister's in Whittier. His niece showed us her bunny! Paco, Miguel, Olga and I looked at the car. His family loved it. Paco checked out the car. The muffle was off and the oil leaks! We had lunch. I had Mango! Paco did the oil for us. We were running late. I drove dangerously close to the cars in the freeway. Miguel really freaked out! I could have caused some accidents. I was drifting away to depression. I didn't care if I hit someone. I just wanted to get home; home that wasn't mine anymore. Home has a different feel to it. Miguel said, "Take me to work." I said, "I'm too hot to drive."

I parked in our spot. Miguel raced against time. I wanted to help him out, but why should I care if he is late for work? I looked up the address for him online. It would take him 23 minutes on the freeway, 10 and 420. I sometimes, add more minutes to the travel time. LA traffic is hell! I turned on the TV. Liz Taylor was on Rosie for a full hour. It lifted my spirits up some. This Saturday's work was cancelled. I said, "You wanted a Saturday off. They can fix the car." Miguel said, "Not this Saturday. I don't have enough money for the auto shop! You could give me some money. Would you?" I didn't even respond to the money! I wouldn't DARE to give him any more money! He asked again. I continued watching Rosie. Miguel dropped the money subject! I know he would bring it up again. I would NEVER EVER give him money or BAIL him out again! Since he LOVES TO PARTY, he could use his party money instead! His drinking comes first. I doubted that he would stop drinking. He has been going NON STOP for a while!

3:07 PM, Miguel went to work. He needed to be there at 3:30. Hmm, the check crossed my mind. Since I can't trust him anymore. It was best to go to the bank now. I knew Miguel would keep on partying his money away. I put the dirty dished in hot water. I finished watching Rosie. I didn't want to miss a minute of Liz, my mom's favorite actress.

I left the apartment. I tried the code. It didn't work. I can believe it. Yesterday, Miguel says the code work. Some guy showed him. Miguel dialed the code and walked through! I tired it again. Nothing. I was lock out of the building. I should have put on the pants and bring the coat. I may not get in when I get back. I tried again. It was a success. I walked to the bus stop on Western. The bank was on Western and Olympic. I decided I might take the bus often! Miguel could drive the car. I deposited the money in my account. I think the money would be there by tomorrow or Wednesday. I looked down the street for the bus. It was not coming. I walked from Olympic to all the way home. My feet were hurting along the way. I wore the sandals!

I noticed two women went to the gate. I ran across the street. I was happy that I could go in the apartment! God was looking out for me! A lady was on crutches. I hold the door for them. They didn't know I was there. I kinda scared them. The mother was grateful. I waited till they got to the top step. I walked by and ran up the stairs! I lay by the fan on Miguel's side of the bed. I watched Days Of Our Lives before I wash the dishes. I let them soak in the water an hour or so. I got more depressed. It begun to sunk in! Miguel's drinking completely DESTROYED my life! My love was DESTROYED in the process too! I wanted to cry, but I didn't. Why shed some tears for Miguel, the ALCOHOLIC? It is not worth it. He wants to DRINK and SLEEP AROUND! He could have that and not me. I would go for it. I washed the dishes. I watched more TV. I got more depressed. I don't think I could handle the depression when Miguel gets home. I know I would lose it big time. Sometimes, my sadness is too powerful to control. I would break down and cry!

As I write this journal tonight, I am so sad and depressed. I want to cry in my sorrows and go to bed alone without Miguel. I think Miguel would come home drunk once again. He took some regular pants and shoes with him to work. He doesn't work tomorrow. I hope he stay out all night! I can't face him tonight! It is making me UTTERING sick of the events.

2001, September 23, Sunday

Nothing big happens between Miguel and I! Things were calm till I found some INTERESTING STUFF about my soon to be ex lover AGAIN right after he went to work at Noon! He asked for some dollars for his wallet. I lied to him.

For some reason, I thought about yesterdays. Some things didn't add up at all. I looked at his "online" bank statement again; I can't put a finger on HSI. I have never heard that place before. I really don't care about the rest. Yesterday, I found a sex card in his wallet and two pictures. One had him smoking! The card had a web site.

This afternoon, I went online to see about the card. It was a sex web site. Then I asked an online friend, "What is HSI?" We were both in the dark about HSI! I said, "BRB. I want to finish the journal. I don't want to miss out a thing." I gave him a piece to read.

"I noticed that he took out $40 EIGHT separated times from ATM machine, plus not counting the times since Sept 22! That told me a lot! He parties really hard somewhere at a club/elsewhere. He spent over $360 between 9/10/01 to 9/21/01."

He could relate. He wants me to close the account and show him tough love. I wished I could close his account, but I could do tough love! I mentioned I'm not ready for another relationship and another guy whom really into me. I can't deal with the other guy right now. That's why I'm the pussy for the time being. I need to have fun with my life. That would make me happy now. He said, "The guy is a little too much when you are going through that situation." Point taken.

I glazed at his checking account once more. I had a feeling it must to do something with sex. At the rate Miguel is partying, sex might be involved! This past week alone, we had sex so many times. I'm so sick of sex right now. We normally don't have sex that often nor I top him either. He is in too much pain to be tops. I was against it, much like him in the beginning. I explained, "You're still in pain. The doctor hasn't fixed your problem." Sometimes, he claimed I don't love him, seeing someone else or make me to feel guilty somehow. He played games with me; he tried to get me sexually involved with him. He pouted when he doesn't get my top! That alone makes me giving it up for him. The last time, I wasn't in the mood for sex. I wished I was somewhere else except his ass! That was the first time for the str8 x-rated video!

Yesterday, he wanted me to play for a while. I didn't want to, I wanted to stay online. He pouted. I ended up next to him during the str8 x-rated video. It didn't do me any good. He did some poppers. He came too fast. I fell asleep. Suddenly, he wants me to come! I didn't want to at all. He turned off the video. I did anyway. I washed in the sink. He took a shower for work. I went down to the car to get his work clothes from the trunk. He got ready. He said, "I love you." I shut the door behind him!

There was one SURE way to find out about HSI. I looked at some old receipts from his nightstand. I found he went to HOLLYWOOD SPA couple of times this month. Wait till he come home soon! I would break up with him, the sooner, the better. I wasn't even surprised. The same guy from yesterday beeped him again; he didn't even bother to call his new lover. He claimed he doesn't know the guy! Yeah, right! I saw the same exact charges on the receipts from the online bank statement! I finally caught him RED HANDED! He completely destroyed my love for him! I put the receipts in my wallet for safekeeping.

I knew something was up. He does come home late couple of times. And WORK doesn't have to do with his lateness. He could come home, but did he? Hell, no! He want to party at the clubs and have sex at the bathhouses, the place we met! I don't mean Hollywood Spa either. I guess people are wrong, no one can find LOVE at those places. I should have stay with Richard by Food 4 Less. No, Miguel convinced me to move in with him. He promised he would pay the rent, the bills and everything else!

Things were fabulous in the beginning. We had spats once in a while. But I won't get into the beginning right now.

With Richard, I had everything. With Miguel, we start from scratch. It took us months to get the things we need. I was such a fool to give up everything for an alcoholic! Life is about taking chances. This one really blew up in my face. I should stick with my beliefs. I got involved with the dreaded FAST LOVE and look at what it got me in! I'm not happy with Miguel anymore. The moment he drink again, I became single once more! My love had fallen of from his earth into the PITS OF HELL!!

I sent Fun a "yesterday" email. I need to restart my computer. I came back as the pussy. The Luv wasn't there yet. I am not ready for the Cruize yet. The pussy is more fun! Fun noticed I was back; he was still reading the email! I waited till he im me again! I continued "my journal" as the journal shows me that I am stronger. I went thought a lot in my lifetime. I thought I would end up dead somewhere! But, I am still traveling those roads wherever it would take me to! Life is a journal. You need to be sure what road u want to take. You may end up on the wrong road like I am now! The only thing is going for me is the truth and THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE! Amen!

Fun realized Miguel is my lover. He didn't mind at all. I was glad I didn't mislead him. I know him for a while online. My pussy said, "I'm single." I always referred Miguel as my roomie when I use the other screen name. In a way, I didn't lied. I was looking out for myself. The things with Miguel, I can't go on begin his lover online or offline. Couple months ago, I separated myself from the boyfriend part and just remained his roomie! Fun just wanted to be friends! I want the same thing. I need to deal with Miguel and get rid of him somehow. He won't mess up my life anymore. I would destroy his life before he gets another chance at mine. God gave me the power for revenge against him. I would use it WISELY!

Fun believed the separation is going to be difficult. Point taken. The least is in his name; the bills are in my name.

There would be NEW RULES to live by on my terms! Now, Miguel needs to play by my rules! They are simple to follow.

1) He must pay the rent.

2) The bills

3) the food

4) and anything else!

5) No sex!

6) No fighting!

Those rules are easy to live by. #6 is iffy! People do fight. It is bound to happen! If not, I can always get my revenge somehow and someway! Starting with his sister! LOL The sister would help me to destroy his life with my help! It is call TOUGH LOVE!! I would lose everything too, all thanks to Miguel Garcia! It is worth it! God would bless me with the things I lost. He would double it with riches!

I told my plan to Fun. He thought it is an excellent ideal! The break up should be perfect! For sure, Miguel would take me seriously! Everyone would freak out at the bank, but they have nothing to worry. I don't care what other people think; Miguel can't keep my money from me. I want it back now. I changed my mind. Knowing what I learn this afternoon, changes everything. I don't trust him any longer. He may not give me the money next month. Tomorrow, I would take the bull by it's horn and get my money at any cost! No police would stop me! If it doesn't happen that way, I would follow through on my revenge, starting his Miguel's sister in Whittier! My surefire plan for REVENGE would go smoothly!

I think I start a list of his drinking incidents like bailing him out TWO TIMES so far

2001, September 22, Saturday

9AM, we woke up. Miguel wanted to get to the paint place early. I had a feeling that he would try something on me. Therefore, I pulled a fast one on him first. I know how people operate to a certain degree. I only put my ID in the old wallet that Ricky gave me couple years ago. I got some change and the bus pass; he has no money. Miguel asked, "Do you have my wallet?" He checked my pockets. I didn't say which one! Hehe

I forgot the bill. I hoped I would mail it today. We were on our way. Miguel tries to prove me wrong; there was no ATM at the Cashier's! I made a big fuss and walked outside. An upset Miguel yelled at me for making a scene inside. He asked for a dollar. I gave him one. He brought a wine cooler, that made me pist! The dollar was for the bus. He needs to get his priorities straight. We continued have the spat at the bus stop. I tried to explained, "It was the for bus, not the wine cooler. I only have a couple of dollars in my name. You can't pull a FAST ONE on me"

I only got some dollars and change for the bus. We don't need over $3 to catch the bus. At home, he wanted to take the taxi! Why? The paint shop is by the bus line we need to take and it is close by where we lived! There was no sense of taking a cab. He walked away to the shade. I stayed by the seat. He yelled at me from afar, traffic was too loud! I couldn't hear him. I walked over to him. He begged me for another dollar. The bus picked us up. Miguel wanted me to pick more money in the slot. I didn't have to. I have a bus pass! He told me to lower my voice down. No can do. I don't care who listen to us!

People got off the bus. Some seats became free. We sat across from each other. He asked, "If I have my wallet?" I said, "Yes." He asked, "Did you bring your ATM card? I don't have enough money!" I said, "No, I only bring my Driver's license! That's all I need." He got worried, "You should have bring it!" I said, "You didn't tell me!" I was so happy to make him sweat. It was his problem for not having the money for the paint job on the car. I ask the day before and the day we went to the paint shop, do you have the money? He claimed he did! I believed otherwise! He has been partying too much at the clubs and came home late about every night. And, top it all, he paid lots of money to have the car fixed! I knew he didn't have the money at all. He only has about $142; the paint job is $368!

Last night, he said, "Be right back. I want to check on my money at 7/11." Honey, he came home at 4AM! He took out $40 to party! They leave him about $102 in his account. Hello, his priorities are not straight! His main concern is PARTY and let me BAIL him out and be RESPONSIBLE for his actions! Hell, no! He tried to wake me up for sex by kissing me. I looked at the nudie! My eyes were too heavy. I fell back to sleep. I bet he watch the STRAIGHT x-rated movie to get off! Hello, a gay guy is watching an str8 movie! We did have sex the day before during the movie. It didn't do me any good! He is so WARPED!! I won't have sex with him any more.

We got off the bus. I laughed inside. What would he do now? I said, "You didn't tell me. How do I suppose to know to bring it?" He said, "I should have told you." My, my! It was too late! We are one block away from the paint shop. We can't go home. I have too much fun at his expense........Hmm, I should say "my expense!" He didn't know what to do. I went along with him. This is too funny, He dug HIMSELF in a hole once again! I shouldn't help him at all. I warned him that he might not have the money!! He truly believed his money is in his account! Yeah, right!!

We arrived. I let him go in first. I didn't want to deal with his money problems! It was his problem, not mine. He CREATED the problem! I checked my pockets to see if I had everything. I looked up, the black owner came out of the garage. I went in with him and sat in a seat. Miguel talked to him, but he didn't tell him about the money problem. He gave him his ATM card. He found out that there was not enough money! He asked "Do you have an credit card?" I said, "Nope." Miguel whispered, "You should have brought it." Who cares!! I didn't want to paint the car in the first place. Sure, the car needs a new paint job after the auto shop fixed it! Miguel told him that the money is there. He offered him to take him to the Bank Of America close by. I stayed behind, only one person could go with him. I sat in the chair quietly, thinking that Miguel would beg me to get my ATM from home. I know how Miguel thinks most of the time.

I checked the new paint job in the parking lot. It looks so nice for a former BLUE car. At first, I didn't want a black car. I'm glad we have one now. The skies look beautiful till they turn BLACK! That is fully explained of where our lives are. Black means trouble, White is peaceful and the gray is shady! Our relationship turned in the worse since he is DRINKING AGAIN!! Someday, he would go TOO FAR and nobody would be there for him!

I sat in the seat again. Here comes Miguel, "I need your ATM. I don't have enough money. I know the MONEY is there." I could have made a BIG SCENE. I could let him have it big time. They would have called the police on our asses. I wouldn't mind at all! The police's job is solved people's problems! I would have tell the police that he has a drinking problem and he wants me to BAIL him out every single time like THURSDAY NIGHT AND TODAY! Like always, I remained calm. Miguel with his sad eyes said, "You are mad at me." I said, "You know you didn't have the money." I got in the truck! Miguel fed him the same line, my money is there. The black guy really believes his lie! Couple of times, Miguel wants to know why I am so mean, nasty and yell at him sometimes! Hello, Miguel, look at the problems you created for us! I have every right to be mad at him! He is such a fool, but I'm the biggest fool than him - I am still with that damn alcoholic! I should have left his ass long time ago.

The black guy believed that we are only roomies. It didn't even cross his mind. I respected the black man a lot. He is one of the smartest black man I ever met and one of the friendliest too! He observed things closely and knows what's up in the world! the tragedies set us back 40 years back. with the fear of flying, our economy is going down for the count. The hotels would lay off people and so forth! He agreed with me that it could happen again, the four highjacked planes say a lot! It was an wake up call for the USA! the high jacks works perfectly. Since the four high jacks were at the SAME TIME, there would be more later on! The next time, it could be one, two or as many the terrorists want! They have the power!

The black man doesn't trust some banks. Same here. Miguel should have the money, but that is how some banks make money! I should have told him that he REALLY didn't have the money and lied to him about the money being there. If I did, I won't pay for it. Miguel would have to wait till Monday to pay him in full with his own MONEY! Then again, Miguel would SPEND the whole weekend with me and missed work on the weekend! God, I didn't want that at all. In a way, my money was worth it for the paint job. We arrived. I ran in/out quickly! Hmm, I should have told Miguel that I lost my ATM card before I went home! Miguel would be in deep shit! LOL I know I couldn't stop laughing!! Wait till I get all my money back, then I would lose my card for good!

The car's gate didn't close. I tried the remote, failed lots of times. I left it like that. We don't have time to mess with the gate. We need to get back. I told him that the code doesn't work. That's why I need to remote to get in. We went to the bank, $300. The moment I got in, he said, "You didn't get all the money. They...." I finished the sentence for him, "$300 limited! I still can use the ATM for the rest. We got it in the bag." We parked in the garage and went inside. I was shocked, Miguel wasn't ever around. He left my leather coat on the seat. I noticed he was outside looking at the car. He knew it was best to keep clear of me for the moment. When I get mad, I got mad! I am always like that. Heaven couldn't stop me from screaming or whatever! I paid the rest. The guy said, "Don't wash the car for a week." He says that earlier. We went outside. The guy brought us the car and shook our hands.

We got in the car. I said, "You ole me the money back. You ALREADY ole me money!" I drove off to the post office. Miguel showed me the ATM receipts. I wanted so much to tell him off. I would point out that he party till 4AM and he did checked his account at 7/11. He took out $40 and didn't bother to come home. Instead, he went ahead partying, knowing he didn't have the money at all! Miguel claimed "I'm not using you. I have the money!" Whatever, Miguel! You know what's so strange, he got MAD at me for the money! I'm not the one who says, "I have the money!" Hello, Miguel, you have no right to get mad at me! He does drink and have a drinking problem! Most of his money is going to the clubs. I'm not forcing him to drink. He is looking for ways to drink! A few times, he told me "I'm making him drink!" That's bullshit! Yes, we do fight. Face it, all couple fight about something. YOU KNOW WHAT, Miguel is putting THE BLAME on me for his drinking!

Miguel noticed I passed Crenshaw. He asked, "Where are you going?" I said, "The post office. You know I go on Saturdays." Miguel screamed, "Take me home now!" I didn't want to, but I did anyway. He slammed the car door on my face. I picked up my mail. I wasn't in a rush to go home right away! Miguel and I need some time apart.

I love my time away from that no good alcoholic! I am happier! YES!!! I opened the apt door. The chain was on. I knocked and yelled his name. He let me in. I tried to give him his car key. He just walked away. I followed him to the restroom. I showed the keys. He angrily yanked the keys from me. I sat in the chair with my legs up on the bed and read my magazines. He got in bed and fell asleep. I (purposely?!?) woke him up! I asked lots of times, "What time you want to wake up?" He just annoyed me. I said, "Fine. If you wake up late. It isn't my fault!"

As he sleeps......He didn't wake up to the SNEAKY PUSSY.......I snooped around big time! I looked at his wallet for the receipts. I got every IMPORTANT 411 I need for HIS online banking account. His SS# was missing. I knew where to look. I got that too. I was all set for the web! I looked over his account. He only has $102.55 as of 2001, Sept 22, Saturday. Beginning balance as of 09/06/2001, $1,277.86.

I noticed that he took out $40 EIGHT separated times from ATM machine, plus not counting the times since Sept 22! That told me a lot! He parties really hard somewhere at a club/elsewhere. He spent over $360 between 9/10/01 to 9/21/00. He was missing FOUR DAYS last month! Elsewhere could be the bathhouse too! He claimed he was at a friend's house during those days!

I looked at his account more, something struck me. What is HSI? I have never it before. The rest of the places are okay. I was at those places when he used his ATM card except HSI! The auto shop charged $265 twice, but I didn't care about that. I would tell Miguel. I was thinking of revenge. I decided on to tell his whole FAMILY about his drinking problem; my sweet revenge! I don't care if we break up. As long I get my revenge, I would be happy no matter what! Also, I don't care if he has another boyfriend besides me! He can have another man! Miguel doesnt DESERVE my love anymore!

I made an personal copy of his account. I need some leverage for my revenge against him! I would have proof that he is a alcoholic. Spent over $360 says a lot! He can't continued on making my life a living hell. I'm not happy being his lover. He's wrecking my life too much from his drinking. It's about time I DO SOMETHING to put a stop to my sadness. Whatever I may do to end his TERROR, it would be POSITIVE and uplifting for my well-being.


I went back to reading my soap magazines. He finally woke up SCARED! Hmm, I wondered why! ROFL He thought he overslept and missed work! I went online again to avoid him. I don't want to fight with him. He wanted to show me that he has the money. He looked at his wallet. I didn't return the ATM receipts to the wallet. I only left behind the store's receipts! He asked, "Where they are?" I said, "I have them on my desk." He looked at the receipts. I hesitated whether or not to show him the bank account statement. He was determined to prove me wrong. He doesn't know I got his bank statement from ONLINE. Yeah, it could be illegal! I was helping him out. He wanted to know what happened to his money! I felt like I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't stole any money from his account! I am not THAT TYPE of a person!

Miguel showed me the same receipts. I finally decided to show him. I said, "You spent a lot of money this month. You need to slow down." He didn't listen to me. It went over his head big time. He saw the TWO $265 from the auto shop! He was convinced that HE DID HAVE the money all along! In a way, he did! The auto shop made a mistake; they charge him twice for $265. He became happy. I said, "Call the auto shop and the bank." He called the shop, Rudy wasn't there till 4PM. He called the bank, they would give him CREDIT and they would investigated. He offered to pay me back this Monday.

Some guy beeped him. Miguel called him back. The guy claimed he have his glasses. Miguel said, "No!" He hung up the phone. It did cross my mind that the guy could be his new boyfriend! Yes, I hope so! His new lover would have an rude awakening someday with Miguel! Miguel won't be my problem much longer! I won't take the loser boyfriend back at all. He made his bed; he needs to lay in the messy bed he CREATED! I'm home free! I can't wait for the day when he leaves me for his other lover! Amen!

I was nice enough and dumb enough that he can pay me back next month! October is coming up fast, the rent is due on the first. To me, rents always come first than anything else, then the bills are next. The groceries are third. I tried to stock up on the groceries, I won't have to go shopping every month! The moment I get a bill, I pay it right away! I don't want to bother to wait at the end of the month. One time, I missed the last day. Like the DWP bill, I got it the day before, I got the money order yesterday and I was ready to mail it today. I have to wait till Monday to send the bill in the mail. Miguel went to work at 4PM and got home about 2AM! He woke me up to offer me some food from work. I wasnt hungry and went to sleep again.

I was in a gay LA "Now" room. My FUN friend noticed I was the other LUV from the profile. The profiles were almost the same. He knew it was me all along. We chatted for a while. I got so tired that I cut our conversation short and went to bed at 10:30PM!

2001, September 21, Friday

8:07 AM, Miguel woke me up; the alarm didn't go off. I set the time, but I forgot to turn on the alarm. Miguel wants me to pay for the taxicab. I got so upset. We could take the bus home; the car paint place is by Western. We lived by Western. He tried to convince me again in the car, "nope." I got some money from the ATM. We went to the place.

I drove home. The owner took the car back to the place. I made eggs for breakfast. I ended up being the top. We had it every day since Friday. I'm so sick of it. A few times, I didn't want to, but he said, "You don't love him." He made me feel guilty and we ended up in bed. He also begged me too! I'm getting top out by me. LOL I can't go on. I'm not getting enough sleep. Couple of nights, we ended up sleeping after 3 AM and get up about 8! As I typed this date, I can hardly to stay awake! I woke up 30 minutes ago. And Miguel is not home yet, more on that later!

Miguel wanted to wash clothes, over $4 worth of quarters. We need more than that. Miguel worried he may not have the money for the paint job, he doesn't want to pick up his check on the bus. He would do it this Monday! We went to the Cashier's place. I paid the DWP bill and got $10 in quarters. Miguel is hungry, so am I. We went next door for the newspaper; He brought a peach wine cooler. I got upset, this is what I need, more drinking from him! I want to scream. He brought it anyway. We walk across the street to the Chinese restaurant. I told him, "They don't take ATM, only cash!" We went in anyway. Sat down at a booth. I convinced him to ask. He came back, "They don't." I knew it! I was right! YES!! We ate there before, Miguel paid in cash! We forgot to leave a tip at the table! I had his money with me!

We had a spat outside. He was still hungry, so I was! He wanted me to go back across the street to get some cash from the ATM. I said, "There is no ATM. We paid the bill. I didn't see one!" He blew me off; I walked on the opposite side of the street. I ran back to him, he was still mad, "Go to hell." So, I went ahead of him. I tried to walk slowly; I had the gate thing. The garbage man picked up the trash. I kept the gate open till Miguel walked down with me. He still won't talk to me. We went inside.

I sat at the desk. He looked at the babies. I tried to talk, but he gave me the finger.........oops, I mean, the hand! He brought up the babies; he thought one baby is pregnant. I sat beside him. He showed me the fish! I said, "I'm sorry. Still, there wasn't one!" He separated the clothes and started a load! A while later, I had problems with the computer. As I fixed it, he wants me to top! I mentioned I couldn't. He took a quick shower and hopped in bed with his ass up! I pleaded with him, "We can wait till I fix the computer." He gave me a sorry look. I ended up being the top once more! How much sex could we do? It's tired me out; I don't have the energy for sex every day or night! I really need a break from sex altogether!

Evening time, Miguel finished the laundry; I always folds! He wants to see about his money at 7/11. He hopes he have it. He put on his club clothes. He asked, "What I want?" I replied, "Something sweet." He said, "You already do. You have me." About 9:30 PM, he says, "I don't listen to him." How could I when i need to concentrate what I type? I said, "You would take the gate thing." He hasn't came home yet. The time is 1:33 AM! I watched TV, online, fell asleep, and woke up during Sienfeld on Fox. Or was it Drew Carey? I am still sleepy. I am going to bed soon after I get done with today's events!

Well, it looks like Miguel would come home DRUNK and wants the TOP again tonight. This time, I wouldn't give it to him. Sex is draining me out; I need to get a well-rested sleep tonight. I could hardly go on like this. No rest, tire out easier! I might as well go to bed now. Leave the TV on; stay online and go straight to bed. I have been doing that a lot. I don't want him to trip in the dark. The TV gives him some light. Other than night, I know I would wake up the moment he gets home from the clubs. I'm ending this journal till tomorrow! I hope I get away the soon to be cold before it happens, my nose have been cold all day long! Sleep tight! Good night!

2001 September 20, Thursday

3:30AM, a knock on the door woke me up. Miguel finally came home from drinking at the clubs. Like always, he was drunk! I went back to bed; I didn't want to get in another fight with him. He got undressed in front of the bed. He said, "He tried to call me." I was online like always.

He fixed something to eat. Then along the way, things got strange. He lay on the floor in front of the bed. I begged him to get up. He says, "I would be there." Miguel knows better than sleep on the floor. For crying out loud, we have a queen size bed. All the fights we had, we never make the other one to sleep on the floor. One time last year, he fell asleep on the restroom floor. He was so freaking drunk. Another time, he passed out in the restroom and fell "back" into the shower door. The door cracked! I helped him to the bed. He was really out of it. He didn't know where he was. I freaked out too; I thought something serious happen to me. To this day, the door wasn't fix yet!

I pleaded him with more. He refused to get up. I went back to bed. He went to the kitchen and the bathroom. I heard some noise coming somewhere. I figured it must be the water boiling. He was in the restroom for a while. I was worried; the water must be done in the kitchen. I checked; the water came from the restroom all this time. He took a shower. So, I looked at his wallet in the kitchen. He had no money. I noticed he took $40 out tonight from ATM. I put the wallet on his nightstand. I jumped back in bed. Then he came out with the towel, wanting sex. I was way too tired for sex. I was in sleep mode.

9:30AM, we woke up. Once again, he was in the mood for sex again. I wasn't, I want to sleep more. He called the auto shop, "time to go." He finally mentioned that he tried to call me on the phone & the beeper, yelling from the gate, but climbs the fence did the trick for him. This time, he didn't cut himself. I figured he climbed the fence.

I looked at the map; the highway must be packed. We took 6th street all the way there. I went too far and got on Caesar Chavez. I parked the car in the street. One of the workers talks to his wife. The owner asks Miguel, "Did you came alone?" He says, "No." I waited for the wife to leave. They kissed goodbye. I parked in the driveway.

We waited for the bumper; the guy didn't show up yet. We sat outside at the table. Miguel tried his best to convince me that it's okay to get some beer. I wouldn't budge. I didn't feel right about it. I knew they didn't offer him some. The keg wasn't in the same place by the table. Miguel kept pestering me; I still refused. Miguel's drinking wasn't the only reason I refused to get him some. I didn't want to get the beer without their permission. It is their beer. I also didn't want to disrespect them. I told Miguel, "Please give me a cup of water." He blew me off, "You didn't give me some beer." A while later, he pestered me again. I still wouldn't give him the beer. Miguel really needs help, he doesn't see he have a drinking problem!

Some workers tried to find the handle from the inside of the car. They looked everywhere for that piece, including the garbage bin! Miguel checks the back seat in the car. All this time, the handle was there under some stuff. They laughed it off. The owner jokes, "Let's killed him." I knew he didn't mean it. It was just playful humor! I joked around the same lines online or wherever. Humor is fun, as long it doesn't get out of hand! The guy showed up with the bumper.

The owner asked, "Do you work?" He said, "Restaurant business, I'm a bartender!" He then asked me, "nope!" He said, "I do some parties and offered you to be a bartender." Miguel gave him the phone number! Oh boy, more temptation for alcohol at work!! :-(

The bumper was fixed. We left the auto shop. He didn't take me serious about our break up from yesterday at the club. He touched me and holds my hand as I drove. I didn't remind him of the break up! He seems to be so involved with me that he may do anything to keep a hold on our relationship! We had lunch at Denny's by home. We chatted some about Big Brother 2, Survivor's Tina & Colby! He hopes Nicole wins, I wanted Will! He played the game so well like Richard Hatch from the first Survivor! Miguel asked, "How was my ass?" I liked it. He wants to continue to please me sexuality. I'm doing one hell of a job!

We checked the paint car place on Pico/Western. He was serious about it. The worker checked the car. He explained to Miguel, "I would do everything including the inside." They went back inside for the price. I waited in the car. He came back alone. The whole job would cost over $350. We drove away. I asked, "Do you have the money?" He says, "Yes, if I didn't have it, I wouldn't do it!" I wasn't sure about the money. This past two days, I think he spent over $500 on the car at the auto shop! Now, this paint job! Whoa!!! I hope he has money for the rent and his insurance next month. He can't afford to spend that kind of money! He is a bartender and a server!

2 PM, We got home after we put some gas in the car. We watched some TV. I found his address online. He got ready for work. He weighed himself; he noticed he lost some pounds. He showed me his weight, 135 lbs. I did myself, the same amount! Just kidding! I weighed more than that, 185 lbs! I gained lots of weight since last year. Miguel is a pretty good cook. Between his cooking and driving again, I can't see my feet anymore. I guaranteed that Miguel would END UP in the hospital again. From drinking too much, he was losing weight once again.

The last time, he looked pale! He ended up in the hospital from work! He stayed a couple of days. Since then, he hasn't drink or go clubbing with me. To my knowledge, I believed he started again in August. I have no ideal why he drinks again. I never ever brought it up at all. This past week, he drinks in front of me. I tried to break up with him but he did not take me SERIOUSLY! I have not spoken about it since then either. Well, yes, I am angry with him! I could see through right him. He come home drunk late at night, sometimes 3, 4, 5 in the morning. I didn't throw his ass out of the place. If this were my place, I would have. I even didn't drink with him once! It's his OWN DOING! The best thing for me is let him really hit ROCK BOTTOM. I won't stop him from drinking. He wants it so badly! I lost all respect and my love just disappeared! Miguel doesn't even care for our apartment or me! Drinking is his drug of choice!

This evening - I had dinner plans with my online friend. All the yelling I did yesterday, I lost my voice. I sent him an email and called off the dinner. I was too tired to go out. Since I can't talk, I didn't want to go to dinner at all.

Boy, I had a hard time with him yesterday. I mentioned to him that plans might change because Miguel may or may not go to work. He didn't understand that part. Also, he was lost of the location I gave him too. He would be one block away from me, ONE FULL BLOCK exactly! He used to work on Wilton and Wilshire. I lived on 6th and Gramercy! Those four streets are a BLOCK itself!

I watched TV for a while. The phone rang after 5PM. I was too sleepy to answer the phone. It rang couple more times. I didn't move from the bed. A while later, I was the pussy online and checked my email. I didn't want to deal with him at all online. I received an email from him, "No problem. Anyway, I think the number of the apartment u gave me was not even correct. It was Marlene Downing. Thanks anyway." He must be smarter than that. Come on, now! The landlord never ever replaces her name with Miguel's! Oh well, it seems like he doesn't believe me at all. I taught him well! ROFL Don't believe everything you read on the web or in person!

2001, September 19, Wednesday

3:45 AM, Miguel came home so late, drunk as ever. Whenever he gets home late, I always woke up! Miguel said, "I'm sorry for coming in late." Whatever!! His sorrys doesn't mean a damn thing for me! Miguel wants to use the phone. I went offline and shut down the computer! He tried the phone. For some odd reason, it wasn't working. He told me to turn on the computer, go online and do it again. This time, it worked!

Miguel finally joined me in bed after he ate and checked his beeper. I fallen asleep, he kept on waking me up. He complained and cried about the client didn't give him a tip and PS, the place he works for, doesn't want to give him an bonus; this one women have been there for three months and she got an bonus! He also felt like PS is working him like a dog. He cried himself to sleep! I went to sleep next!

11 AM, we woke up. I noticed a full pack of cigs in the front seat. I played with him, "Who is your new boyfriend?" He says "no one." I asked him a few times, the same answer from him. I showed him the pack. He said, "I smoke when I drinks at the club." What a liar! The times we drink at the clubs, he never ever smokes! He showed me a half pack of cigs. Hmm, it could mean one thing. I hope to God that he met someone new; he wouldn't be my problem any more!

We went to the PS office, the PO box and get his car key back from the gay club. I wanted to go to the auto shop first, he persuaded me to get the key. I drove up to the laundry mat parking lot. The gay club is next door. Miguel says, "I'll be back!" I waited and waited and waited over 30 minutes in the hot car till the laundry mat worker asked "where am I here?" I say, "Waiting for my friend next door." He explained, "I need to park elsewhere, not this parking lot!"

I parked on the street and went straight to the gay club. I was so furious! He was drinking an cocktail while I bake in the car's oven! This time, I didn't hold back my anger and lashed him out! I didn't care if they 86 my ass (or Miguel's) out of the club. I hardly go there to drink. Since Miguel got out of the hospital, we haven't been to the clubs! I want to stay away from the clubs for his sake.

I yelled at Miguel more. He finished his drink and left the club. I was still yelling at him for letting me wait in the hot car. The moment he gets the car key, he should have left the club. Hell, no!!! He picked a COCKTAIL OVER ME!! He cares more about DRINKING than me. He explained the owner wasn't there; the bartender needs a CODE to get in the office. I told him blank out, the next time he made me to wait in the car for a long time, i would leave his ass there and he can take a cab home! AND I would stick to my guns no matter what! There were more sorrys from him, no thanks!

I threatened to go home, but we went to the auto shop instead. We continued fighting on the way. I'm surprised I didn't crash into something. I blurted out that I don't want to be his lover anymore; he DOESN'T respect my feelings or me. He tried to talk me out of it. I told him "that is what he want," the alcohol can be his new lover!!! He "agreed" to the friendship/roomie deal. He promised he wouldn't kick me out; we can do whatever we want! I have thing to say, TIME WOULD ONLY TELL! Yeah, right! It won't be like that for long. Somehow, he would find a way to be lovers! He may pretend that we never broke up or something else!

We arrived at the third auto shop, and they have the parts we need. I kept at it, Miguel wanted me to calm down! Did I? Hmmm, NO! We went around the block for a used car door. I didn't get out of the car. My anger is matching the heat. Miguel convinced me again to get out. I got out and let him have it! By this time, Miguel warned me to stop talking about our business in public. I didn't care who knows!! I saw the anger in his face and the body's actions! WOAH! He wanted so much to hit me! I kept on. He just walked away from me. They didn't have the used door.

We got back. They worked on the headlight as I stay in the car. I want to be nowhere near him! There was no place to sit outside. Truth - there was a few messy seats. I finally gave in, i sat in one those seat. I felt the cool wind; it cools my anger off. We got into small fights once in a while till we are civilized to each other. Whatever civilized is, LOL! You must see him smoke up a storm, one cig after the next! Not all at once, a regular smoker going back for more cigs! I leaned against the car. He tossed his keys to me. I don't know why he did that.

The headlight, the car's right side and the used door were done. We still need a new bumper. Miguel wants to get a paint job for the car. Hmm, he is covering up his tracks! His sister still doesn't know about the car accident, the car is hers! He mentioned it to an autoworker; they just laughed it off. You know what was so sickening funny? The autoworker offered him a beer; Miguel drank it too! There was a KEG of beer! He offered me some, but he realized I was driving!

5:30 PM, I got home ALONE after I dropped him off on 5th and Western. I asked, "Where are you going?" He says, "somewhere." He got out the car. I asked again. He says, "down the street." He was heading toward Wilshire. I went home and feed the babies. 5:30 is their feeding time. An hour later, someone knocked on the door. I figured it was Miguel; he gave me his keys at the auto shop! I answered in my underwear and a t-shirt. I lied, "I took Miguel to work. I'm working online."

My online friend was kind enough to invite me to dinner since he would be in the area tomorrow evening. I mentioned to him that plans might change because Miguel may or may not come home tonight. He didn't understand that part. I explained, "Miguel didn't have his keys. Therefore, the plans might change. I may cook for the three of us." He still didn't understand. I explained once more, "If I go out to eat with you at the restaurant, Miguel would be lock out of the apartment. I need to stay here to let him in! I have his keys. The dinner is up in the air. I can cook for us." He didn't want to eat with Miguel. He has no other choose. I didn't know if Miguel would be home tonight or tomorrow. I can't leave to have dinner with someone. My main concern was Miguel; I need to be there for him when he gets home. Boy, I had a hard time with my online friend. I was making myself very clearly. He didn't seem to get the point! He got on my freaking nerves big time! How many times do I have to explain? Once is enough!

Also, he was lost of the location I gave him. He would be one block away from me, ONE FULL BLOCK exactly! He used to work on Wilton and Wilshire. I lived on 6th and Gramercy! Those four streets are a BLOCK itself!

I explained, "I need to follow Miguel's rules no matter what. I do live with him. My #1 rule is I need to look out for myself no matter what the consequences are. I got to do what I have to do. One slip up, he may get abusive with me. So, I need do what he says. Most alcoholics are abusive. When it comes to drinking, it is a different ball game and set of rules. The sex is meaningless. I don't love him. I do not want that. I want a fulfilling lover I can make passionate love to. I don't want meaningless sex. I don't need any more hell in my life. I'm living it right now."

He said, "We can also talk on poetry on Thursday. I know but do I have to stand on that area and wait for someone to come by?" I said, "Why stand? You could drive by. My legs would be showing. You couldn't miss me. My legs can see from miles away! I'm a high-class hooker!! Shh!" He asked, "High class hooker?" I continued joking with him; he got more serious! I said, "I need to make money somehow!!! What he doesn't know won't hurt him!!!" He really believes I was one! He thought he has to pay me instead of being passionate.
I said, "Don't believe everything u hear or read on the web or in person!" He didn't understand what I mean by that. I brought up the tabloids. He doesn't read them. I asked, "How come?" He said, "I read LA Times instead. Why are you asking me that?" I answered him, "You asked what I mean by that comment. Don't believe everything you hear or read on the web or in person!!! He asked, "What do u mean?" I said, "Never mind. All the years you lived in USA, you should know by now."

He still believes I am a hooker, not a poet. He read one of my poems, Alien! He just read some. Well, he always believes someone because he doesn't tell lies. He always trusts someone; that's why he can't believe everything you hear or read on the web or in person!!! He wouldn't give up on the hooker thing, "Does Miguel pay you every time you had sex?" I replied, "Some of it is not true like the tabloids!" He said, "I dunno that for sure. Because I don't tell lies on the web, so does Miguel pay u too every time u do sex?" I said, "I didn't say Miguel pays me." He said, "Okay. You told me you are a hooker. But anyway, let me know if you are available for dinner this Thursday. Honestly I can't afford to have a boyfriend who is a hooker. I might end penniless."

I told him once again, "Don't believe everything you hear or read on the web or in person! And most of all, don't take me so seriously!" He asked, "Do u mean seriously?" I said, "You really believed I am a hooker!" He said, "Nope. I don't believe it." I asked, "Then, why did u ask?" He said, "I always believe that you are a fine and wonderful young handsome man who wants real love. Well you started the hooker thing." I said, "You ever thought I was kidding?" He said, "Well, I was a little bit confused with u, but then I just believed you are a wonderful and nice young man." I said, "For a few minutes, you thought I was a hooker! I never once say I am one. You missed the humor part! You need to laugh more. You thought I was an hooker!" He said, "Nope. I was just going with the flow of our conversation."

He finally got the statement, don't believe everything u hear or read on the web or in person!!! He thought that's incorrect at times, because he always is honest on the web. The joke was "he wanted to PICK ME up in the street on THE CORNER. I would show you my legs! That sounds like a real HOOKER to me!!" And he missed the freaking joke! If I was a hooker, you think I would stay in a relationship with an alcoholic??? Then there are lovers that one goes out to sell himself just to buy speed for his lover. That happens. I would be a lot safe in the street! I could make money and stay in a hotel. That is not good for anyone. Better find someone who is real honest by heart and willing to love u as much as u loves him, monogamy. Selling one's self is also dangerous.

From the im chat experience with him, I can't see myself as friends with him at all. Talking to him was so frustration that I don't need any more frustrations in my life! It made me mad to explain everything MORE THAN ONCE! He didn't see my point at all in the beginning. I got to explain and explain and explain. I felt like I wasted my time talking with him. I should have end the IM right then and there. I hate to say this, OUT OF RESPECT, he is stupid for trusting anyone or believe anything they tell him! From my point of view, I wouldn't put my life in their hands. If they trust EVERYONE, I might turn up dead! Hello, wake up and smell the coffee. People would use you to get what they want! They would do ANYTHING to get what they want. That's the truth!

I remembered a story from my childhood. It was about two guys at war with each other. I think it was WW1, WW2 or some kind of war. I forgot the name of the story. A guy walked in the Barbie shop for a haircut. They both knew they were each other's enemies. The Barbie could have killed him with the cutter. Why would someone place their lives in the hand of a murderer? That story TAUGHT me that we couldn't trust everyone in the world!

10:30 PM, Miguel hasn't come home yet. He must be at the clubs, a friend's house or somewhere else! He may not come home tonight after today. We both need time to ourselves. Today was the biggest fight we ever have. I have no ideal how he would get in the apartment. I have his the keys. I have no way of contacting him. The beeper is here. He may climb over the fence again and knock on the door. I may not hear him knocking; I may be in bed by then!

2001 Sept 15, Saturday

We went to the post office and almost ran over a guy on Beverly/San Vincente. He noticed the guy first in the back seat. I was in such a dazed that I didn't saw him to walk off the curb. I have enough time and space to avoid him! This past week has been heavily on my mind! I couldn't think str8! Thursday night mostly got to me. I was less concerned about Tuesday's tragedies, but Tuesday entered in my mind. It almost cost someone his life! Both of them affected me, I didn't lose anyone in the tragedy. My family lives in boring Texas. I hope I lost someone on Tuesday. I could have used that to get away from my turmoil life! I really need some time away from Miguel!

His work called for a party tonight. From the looks of things, he didn't learn from Thursday night! I looked up for an address. He got ready to work. I read SOD and Entertainment Weekly in bed. He brought up his car. I decided to give him his keys. He was quite surprised. He searched in my nightstand for his glasses. I told him that I only have the car keys. I gave him my car key; his was at the club!

In the last paragraph, I mentioned he didn't learn a thing from Thursday night. He seemed that nothing happened and went back to his daily routine. He wipes it out from his mind. He was also happy that his work put him on as a BARTENDER at the party tonight! Whoa!!! I supposed to forget about it too. I think not! He can't go on ruins lives at any cost! I won't be a part of his drinking abusive terror!! Once again, he came home with alcohol breath!

The miserable life of Steve continues on till I go the way of Anne Heche or find a peaceful time away from Miguel! It is affecting my mental state and well being.

2001 Sept 14, Friday

Miguel wants to go to his sister's in Whittier. I didn't want to, no blinkers! Miguel tried to convince me to lie to his sister about the car. I was so angry inside; I won't lie for him. If I do, I would prolong his drinking! Hello, Miguel, wake up before it's too late. We got dressed. I noticed his left elbow and arm was bruised from last night. He used a long sleeved shirt to cover up the bruise!

We were on our way to his sisters. He want to take the highway, I explained we have no blinkers. He told me to stop by the auto place on Fountain/highland. No luck, we went to Pep Boys on Hollywood/Gower. There was some success, but Miguel didn't want to do anything in the hot sun. We ate at a sushi restaurant on Larchmont. He challenge me if I don't eat with the chopsticks, I have to pay for lunch! I was in no mood. I noticed he didn't eat with chopsticks. Therefore, he paid for lunch! Really, I didn't want to pay. I paid for the taxi ride, $35! We walked to the car; he was limping from his right leg.

We got home and ended in bed together after he took a shower. He can be persuaded sometimes. We rested up. Miguel started to call old friends; it could mean only one thing. Death is coming soon or the hospital again! He also called the gay club too for the car key and his glasses. I overheard him that he ran into a car and the driver took the car key from him. I am not sure what really happened. I'm still in the dark to this day. I haven't told him that I have his keys! Miguel called the eye doctor for new glasses. I didn't want to go to downtown LA, lots of police is there and may stop me for having no blinkers! I want to take care of it first. We headed back to Pep Boys. We fixed the blinkers; it needed a new fuse.

2001 September 13, Thursday

Thursday night, I was online. Miguel told me that he was going to get a newspaper like I really believe him! Couple hours passed, I went to bed about Midnight. Then passed 3AM, some noise woke me up. I heard someone knock on the door or whatever. Miguel came through the door, so drunk as ever. A worried Miguel demanded to go with him. I have no clue of why. He didn't say much, but he wanted some money from me. I found that odd. I never carry cash in my wallet. If I did, I would have spent it by then. I explained to Miguel that I have no money on me.

I got dressed and went with him outside. Low and behold, a friend of his was there standing by his car. He, too, wanted some money from me! I was really lost now. I would never give to money to anyone. It turns out to be taxi driver wanting "$20." I never have that much on me. This driver I didn't trust at all. I came across those drivers once before. My friend & I called a cab from Jons on Sunset. It took him about 15 minutes. We declined; he went on his way. Those cabs can't be trusted at all. They are not the REGULAR cabs we see every day, the car doesn't have the thing on top.

I explained to them both that I have no money on me. Miguel told me to go back inside for my wallet. I tried to get back in the apartment building; the gate code wasn't working since two months now. I got Miguel by the cab. I told him I couldn't get in. I tried so many times again, failed each time. Miguel got frustrated. I lifted him up to the gate. He climbed over and cut his left hand. He didn't bleed that bad. I ran in the apartment and finally used the restroom. I wanted to pee since I woke up!

Miguel barged in and wanted to know why I was taking a long time. I said "I'm getting ready", I was still not full awaken! In a way, I was buying some time for myself! We argued a bit, I wanted so much to wake up the neighbors! We didn't go that far, raising our voices! I locked the door. We got in the cab. God bless, this driver went flying though the streets. I think about 60 MPH or more, I didn't look at the speed. I couldn't look at Miguel; my disgust was racing with the driver to the finish line! I just glazed outside at the buildings!

I annoyed his crying. I was in my own world! Miguel told the driver the directions. A few times, Miguel tried to talk to me. I always replied, "Don't talk to me." If he does, I would lose it big time! I already know what I was facing. Even that alone was further from my mind. I want to distance myself from him and the situation. Tuesday's tragedies came to me; I wished Miguel were one of the victims. Then, I won't have to put up with his drinking problem any longer. The amount of innocence victims were killed, I wouldn't mind the terrorists put him in his place or even kill him! I would be glad when the day arrived that Miguel would be out of my life altogether!

We arrived at 7/11 on Santa Monica. I thought Miguel would get some money from the ATM machine inside. Guess again, we took off to the car at the laundry mat on Sunset by the gay club Miguel was at partying! We drove up to the car. We got out. I whispered at the driver, "Now, I am really mad!" I saw the damage dent, which made me more furious. Throughout the whole ordeal, I remained calm to a certain degree. The right headlight was destroyed; the passenger's front door couldn't open.

I noticed two men were at the other end of the club by their car. Miguel cried and wanted me to pay for the cab. I screamed out loud couple of time "Don't put the blame on me." I should have left him there and call a REAL taxi cab. Miguel pleaded to pay the guy. I told him once before, "I don't have the money!" We went back to 7/11. I wanted him to go inside to get HIS MONEY!! He declined; I got $40 from my account! If I knew his password, I would have gotten his money instead. Why should I pay for his MISTAKE?

The cab drove off to the corner. Miguel sat behind the car by the wall, crying, "I'm sorry." I didn't pity him one bit. His sorry doesn't mean a thing to me. I want to go home; I didn't need this at all. I tried to open the "stuck" passenger's door. The side was inside the door. I didn't bother with the door. I noticed the cab was still at the stop sign. He finally drove off.

I opened the driver's door; I immediately saw Miguel's car keys. Of course, I hid it from him; the car key was missing. I knew someone took it from him. I got in the car and told Miguel "to get in." The other men I saw earlier left too. Miguel continued crying. We were on our way home. I noticed the blinkers don't work any more. I watched out for the cops. I even didn't wipe the windows either. I wanted to get home so badly! I didn't care if it takes an hour or more.

For some odd reason, I looked back to Miguel. He was semi nude, shirt off and his pants were unzipped; he was showing the full monty! I was shocked, "Put on your cloths." He claimed I told him to get undressed. Yeah, right! I was glad the police didn't stop me for the blinkers! If I didn't look back or whatever, I would have lots of explaining to do! I am not a good talker at all, but I can act my ass off when I need to!

We got home. Miguel was still not dress! I got out of the car and told him to get dress. This time, he did! I realized Miguel lost his glasses. He must have dropped them somewhere in the parking lot. I repeated told him that he lost them. You know how drunks are; it goes in one ear and out the other. I immediately went online, my downtown from him whenever he is at home. I don't want to be bothered by him. The only time I am happy is when he is at work, his sister or wherever without me. Online is my world away from his drinking and him.

I saw my friend, Mike, was online. I didn't talk to him right away. Miguel cried in the bathroom, feeling sorry for himself. He cleaned himself up some, put bandage on his hurt left hand. He was nude by the time we entered the apartment. I went back online, talking to Mike. By now, I was so disgusted by him. I didn't even talk to him or look at him. His ass in the air, he was on all fours! The temptation fell flat on the deaf ears.

I wouldn't let sex to take over the situation. Sex would make matters worse for us. He still wants it, I told him, "Go to bed. I was not in the mood." I remained online talking to Mike. Miguel crawled under the sheets, claiming I don't love him! What a crock! In a way, I really don't love him. The moment he went back to drinking last month, I stop loving him and I don't feel a thing for him for some time now. I knew sooner or later in my heart that he would drink again. It was the matter of when. Therefore, I distanced myself further from our love for some time.

I can't love an alcoholic. It is not in their best interest to be in a relationship right now. I knew I needed to be ONLY his roomie since his last hospital stay in Feb or March in 2001. The last time, the doctor told him that the next time he drinks, he would die from drinking. The doc even sent him to a rehab at Kaiser. The people set him up for an evaluation and weekly meetings.

His brother brought over the car, he put me in an awkward position, and "does he have an drinking problem?" I didn't know how to answer that. I didn't answer him; I don't think no one in Miguel's family would take me seriously. I felt like Miguel came from an alcoholic family. I know by the fact that his other brother on Crenshaw is an alcoholic. He got a DWI and his car was impounded a few months back.

Mike thought I was still mad at Miguel since the last time; he was gone for 4 days! I explained he drove drunk and the car is damage! I continued talking to Mike, whom he has the same problem with his dead lover. He tried to convince me that I should be there for him, support him though his tough times and even talk to him. No thanx, Miguel wants no help at all. For crying out loud, he is a BARTENDER and a server! I mentioned to him that Miguel was in jail for drunk driving before my time, a DWI too. Miguel destroyed his new car too!

I wished the police spotted him tonight; then I won't have to deal with it for the time being. I mentioned to Mike, "He wants sex." No thanx, I won't let SEX take over the situation. Mike says, "Oh, gee, he just wants his ASS pounded." I would let the police pound his ass! Mike ask a very interesting question, "doesn't he realize he is killing himself? Is he that self destructive?" I replied, "I think he does. He doesn't want to face the truth. I am all for his self-destructive. It would do everyone some good. God can have him!

I was really mad at Miguel. I waited him to fall asleep; I need some time to myself. If he's that drunk, it shouldn't take long for him to pass out! Amen! Crying is keeping him up. Now, there is silence! Mike wondered, "are we hearing, you don't love me anymore, I'm so sorry." For sure, I don't stay with him that much longer. He can't be in a RELATIONSHIP right now. His sober comes first. Mike believed I was wrong about the relationship! "He needs your help. You love him and he loves you. Your support is very important. But you have to be positive about it, lay down the law, don't enable him."

Miguel passed out. PEACE AT LAST!! Mike still tried to convince me. I'm not buying it. Last time, the doctors him the next time he drinks, he would die. Kaiser sent him to one couple months ago. He didn't follow through with it, work come first. He was doing so well till last month. He started to drink again. I won't bother talking to find out why he is drinking again! It is useless. I think his friends from work influenced him to drink again. Top it all, he is a BARTENDER and a server at parties all over town.

Couple weeks ago, I was asleep till Miguel woke me up. A friend from work was with him. I got dressed. Miguel was so disgusted drunk; I hardly look at his friend too. He offered me to go clubbing with them. It pist me off big time. I declined fast! Miguel didn't learned from the last time. He wants to end up in the hospital again. I won't wait for him when he gets out again!! That night, he got home after 5:30 AM. I couldn't went back to sleep, I went online to distance myself from him. Soon after, he passed out. Then about a week later or two, he was missing for four days!!

Mike thought Miguel works at Kaiser. I explained it was another friend's lover who used to work there. Mike says, "Working with alcohol can be very tempting." Hell, yeah! There is no wonder he went back to drinking again! The damn alcohol is there at the parties. Mike wants me to "get him back in that program, go to meetings with him, and be extra supportive." No thanx! It is up to Miguel, I am so passed his drinking! I won't put up with his drinking. He is determined to drink himself to death! I won't stop him at all. Mike is still going to Hawaii next Friday at 8 AM. He is not afraid if he get kill on the airplane! Box cutters and plastic knives don't bother him. He would shove them up their ass!

I wondered if I should call the police about the car accident. I have no ideal. Miguel did not tell me anything. I should "wait until later when he's sober. If he hit someone and kept going, they have the license number of your car they will probably be calling you or his sister. No, don't go to the police. You have to come up with a good lie about what happened. You don't want him charged with hit and run. If someone was injured it is a felony. You two may want to go to the Gay & Lesbian Ctr. they have free legal advice."

I need to look out for myself, what if the police stop me when I drive the car. I don't know what to say. Mike says, "You have to get your stories together, then go to the insurance company. It's got to be realistic. Depending on the damage maybe you parked it and when you returned it was damaged. It all depends on the type of damage and the extent." My story is I was sleeping, Miguel got me in a taxicab and we went back to the club. Then we went home. Mike continued, "keep yourself out of it but depending on the damage, where it was parked there may be a explanation that is a little far fetched but one they can not disprove." Mike lost me on the last past. He explained again, "Find out what happened from him. Then put your heads together and attempt to come up with a story that could have happened. Like he parked the car in a parking lot and left the key." I say, "Good night" and went straight to bed!