2001, September 19, Wednesday

3:45 AM, Miguel came home so late, drunk as ever. Whenever he gets home late, I always woke up! Miguel said, "I'm sorry for coming in late." Whatever!! His sorrys doesn't mean a damn thing for me! Miguel wants to use the phone. I went offline and shut down the computer! He tried the phone. For some odd reason, it wasn't working. He told me to turn on the computer, go online and do it again. This time, it worked!

Miguel finally joined me in bed after he ate and checked his beeper. I fallen asleep, he kept on waking me up. He complained and cried about the client didn't give him a tip and PS, the place he works for, doesn't want to give him an bonus; this one women have been there for three months and she got an bonus! He also felt like PS is working him like a dog. He cried himself to sleep! I went to sleep next!

11 AM, we woke up. I noticed a full pack of cigs in the front seat. I played with him, "Who is your new boyfriend?" He says "no one." I asked him a few times, the same answer from him. I showed him the pack. He said, "I smoke when I drinks at the club." What a liar! The times we drink at the clubs, he never ever smokes! He showed me a half pack of cigs. Hmm, it could mean one thing. I hope to God that he met someone new; he wouldn't be my problem any more!

We went to the PS office, the PO box and get his car key back from the gay club. I wanted to go to the auto shop first, he persuaded me to get the key. I drove up to the laundry mat parking lot. The gay club is next door. Miguel says, "I'll be back!" I waited and waited and waited over 30 minutes in the hot car till the laundry mat worker asked "where am I here?" I say, "Waiting for my friend next door." He explained, "I need to park elsewhere, not this parking lot!"

I parked on the street and went straight to the gay club. I was so furious! He was drinking an cocktail while I bake in the car's oven! This time, I didn't hold back my anger and lashed him out! I didn't care if they 86 my ass (or Miguel's) out of the club. I hardly go there to drink. Since Miguel got out of the hospital, we haven't been to the clubs! I want to stay away from the clubs for his sake.

I yelled at Miguel more. He finished his drink and left the club. I was still yelling at him for letting me wait in the hot car. The moment he gets the car key, he should have left the club. Hell, no!!! He picked a COCKTAIL OVER ME!! He cares more about DRINKING than me. He explained the owner wasn't there; the bartender needs a CODE to get in the office. I told him blank out, the next time he made me to wait in the car for a long time, i would leave his ass there and he can take a cab home! AND I would stick to my guns no matter what! There were more sorrys from him, no thanks!

I threatened to go home, but we went to the auto shop instead. We continued fighting on the way. I'm surprised I didn't crash into something. I blurted out that I don't want to be his lover anymore; he DOESN'T respect my feelings or me. He tried to talk me out of it. I told him "that is what he want," the alcohol can be his new lover!!! He "agreed" to the friendship/roomie deal. He promised he wouldn't kick me out; we can do whatever we want! I have thing to say, TIME WOULD ONLY TELL! Yeah, right! It won't be like that for long. Somehow, he would find a way to be lovers! He may pretend that we never broke up or something else!

We arrived at the third auto shop, and they have the parts we need. I kept at it, Miguel wanted me to calm down! Did I? Hmmm, NO! We went around the block for a used car door. I didn't get out of the car. My anger is matching the heat. Miguel convinced me again to get out. I got out and let him have it! By this time, Miguel warned me to stop talking about our business in public. I didn't care who knows!! I saw the anger in his face and the body's actions! WOAH! He wanted so much to hit me! I kept on. He just walked away from me. They didn't have the used door.

We got back. They worked on the headlight as I stay in the car. I want to be nowhere near him! There was no place to sit outside. Truth - there was a few messy seats. I finally gave in, i sat in one those seat. I felt the cool wind; it cools my anger off. We got into small fights once in a while till we are civilized to each other. Whatever civilized is, LOL! You must see him smoke up a storm, one cig after the next! Not all at once, a regular smoker going back for more cigs! I leaned against the car. He tossed his keys to me. I don't know why he did that.

The headlight, the car's right side and the used door were done. We still need a new bumper. Miguel wants to get a paint job for the car. Hmm, he is covering up his tracks! His sister still doesn't know about the car accident, the car is hers! He mentioned it to an autoworker; they just laughed it off. You know what was so sickening funny? The autoworker offered him a beer; Miguel drank it too! There was a KEG of beer! He offered me some, but he realized I was driving!

5:30 PM, I got home ALONE after I dropped him off on 5th and Western. I asked, "Where are you going?" He says, "somewhere." He got out the car. I asked again. He says, "down the street." He was heading toward Wilshire. I went home and feed the babies. 5:30 is their feeding time. An hour later, someone knocked on the door. I figured it was Miguel; he gave me his keys at the auto shop! I answered in my underwear and a t-shirt. I lied, "I took Miguel to work. I'm working online."

My online friend was kind enough to invite me to dinner since he would be in the area tomorrow evening. I mentioned to him that plans might change because Miguel may or may not come home tonight. He didn't understand that part. I explained, "Miguel didn't have his keys. Therefore, the plans might change. I may cook for the three of us." He still didn't understand. I explained once more, "If I go out to eat with you at the restaurant, Miguel would be lock out of the apartment. I need to stay here to let him in! I have his keys. The dinner is up in the air. I can cook for us." He didn't want to eat with Miguel. He has no other choose. I didn't know if Miguel would be home tonight or tomorrow. I can't leave to have dinner with someone. My main concern was Miguel; I need to be there for him when he gets home. Boy, I had a hard time with my online friend. I was making myself very clearly. He didn't seem to get the point! He got on my freaking nerves big time! How many times do I have to explain? Once is enough!

Also, he was lost of the location I gave him. He would be one block away from me, ONE FULL BLOCK exactly! He used to work on Wilton and Wilshire. I lived on 6th and Gramercy! Those four streets are a BLOCK itself!

I explained, "I need to follow Miguel's rules no matter what. I do live with him. My #1 rule is I need to look out for myself no matter what the consequences are. I got to do what I have to do. One slip up, he may get abusive with me. So, I need do what he says. Most alcoholics are abusive. When it comes to drinking, it is a different ball game and set of rules. The sex is meaningless. I don't love him. I do not want that. I want a fulfilling lover I can make passionate love to. I don't want meaningless sex. I don't need any more hell in my life. I'm living it right now."

He said, "We can also talk on poetry on Thursday. I know but do I have to stand on that area and wait for someone to come by?" I said, "Why stand? You could drive by. My legs would be showing. You couldn't miss me. My legs can see from miles away! I'm a high-class hooker!! Shh!" He asked, "High class hooker?" I continued joking with him; he got more serious! I said, "I need to make money somehow!!! What he doesn't know won't hurt him!!!" He really believes I was one! He thought he has to pay me instead of being passionate.
I said, "Don't believe everything u hear or read on the web or in person!" He didn't understand what I mean by that. I brought up the tabloids. He doesn't read them. I asked, "How come?" He said, "I read LA Times instead. Why are you asking me that?" I answered him, "You asked what I mean by that comment. Don't believe everything you hear or read on the web or in person!!! He asked, "What do u mean?" I said, "Never mind. All the years you lived in USA, you should know by now."

He still believes I am a hooker, not a poet. He read one of my poems, Alien! He just read some. Well, he always believes someone because he doesn't tell lies. He always trusts someone; that's why he can't believe everything you hear or read on the web or in person!!! He wouldn't give up on the hooker thing, "Does Miguel pay you every time you had sex?" I replied, "Some of it is not true like the tabloids!" He said, "I dunno that for sure. Because I don't tell lies on the web, so does Miguel pay u too every time u do sex?" I said, "I didn't say Miguel pays me." He said, "Okay. You told me you are a hooker. But anyway, let me know if you are available for dinner this Thursday. Honestly I can't afford to have a boyfriend who is a hooker. I might end penniless."

I told him once again, "Don't believe everything you hear or read on the web or in person! And most of all, don't take me so seriously!" He asked, "Do u mean seriously?" I said, "You really believed I am a hooker!" He said, "Nope. I don't believe it." I asked, "Then, why did u ask?" He said, "I always believe that you are a fine and wonderful young handsome man who wants real love. Well you started the hooker thing." I said, "You ever thought I was kidding?" He said, "Well, I was a little bit confused with u, but then I just believed you are a wonderful and nice young man." I said, "For a few minutes, you thought I was a hooker! I never once say I am one. You missed the humor part! You need to laugh more. You thought I was an hooker!" He said, "Nope. I was just going with the flow of our conversation."

He finally got the statement, don't believe everything u hear or read on the web or in person!!! He thought that's incorrect at times, because he always is honest on the web. The joke was "he wanted to PICK ME up in the street on THE CORNER. I would show you my legs! That sounds like a real HOOKER to me!!" And he missed the freaking joke! If I was a hooker, you think I would stay in a relationship with an alcoholic??? Then there are lovers that one goes out to sell himself just to buy speed for his lover. That happens. I would be a lot safe in the street! I could make money and stay in a hotel. That is not good for anyone. Better find someone who is real honest by heart and willing to love u as much as u loves him, monogamy. Selling one's self is also dangerous.

From the im chat experience with him, I can't see myself as friends with him at all. Talking to him was so frustration that I don't need any more frustrations in my life! It made me mad to explain everything MORE THAN ONCE! He didn't see my point at all in the beginning. I got to explain and explain and explain. I felt like I wasted my time talking with him. I should have end the IM right then and there. I hate to say this, OUT OF RESPECT, he is stupid for trusting anyone or believe anything they tell him! From my point of view, I wouldn't put my life in their hands. If they trust EVERYONE, I might turn up dead! Hello, wake up and smell the coffee. People would use you to get what they want! They would do ANYTHING to get what they want. That's the truth!

I remembered a story from my childhood. It was about two guys at war with each other. I think it was WW1, WW2 or some kind of war. I forgot the name of the story. A guy walked in the Barbie shop for a haircut. They both knew they were each other's enemies. The Barbie could have killed him with the cutter. Why would someone place their lives in the hand of a murderer? That story TAUGHT me that we couldn't trust everyone in the world!

10:30 PM, Miguel hasn't come home yet. He must be at the clubs, a friend's house or somewhere else! He may not come home tonight after today. We both need time to ourselves. Today was the biggest fight we ever have. I have no ideal how he would get in the apartment. I have his the keys. I have no way of contacting him. The beeper is here. He may climb over the fence again and knock on the door. I may not hear him knocking; I may be in bed by then!